Today, i realized how i've grown and changed. I guess it's not like a sudden realization. It's a series of events that led me to think about this today.
Today was the start of our official job. We made our first presentation as the officers of SO (Student Organisation). Well, i was nervous. I'm still quite puzzled as to why i was nervous and why i let the nervousness get the better of me. The presentation wasn't perfect. I had a few boo boos here and there, most of which i didn't know till Lydia and Syaf told me. I was a lil affected in a way by the boo boos i made. I wanted it to be great, perfect if it was possible. Or maybe it's because i didn't prepare as well as i should have la. But i am thankful that i've got Syaf and Lydia to point out my mistakes without beating round the bush. They said it straight to me and i appreciate it a lot. This definitely helps me grow as a leader - to be more careful and mindful about what i should say, to think more before i speak.
Cause i was a lil affected by the presentation (Focus on the 'WAS' cause i'm no longer as affected by it), i went for a run. My dad already went for the run earlier so i met him downstairs and continued running with him. He left earlier to shower to fetch jing. And i continued with the run. I realised that i now run better when i'm alone. I realised that i prefer to run alone. Not that i don't ever want to run with people. I still enjoy running with friends. Ya, you get the point. I am certain that i hated to run alone in the past. I felt more motivated if i'm running with friends when i was younger. But right now, i enjoy running alone. I enjoy being able to reflect when i'm running alone. I like it. And it's like time for myself - which i think i haven't had in awhile.
This change led me to think about something else. I used to be someone who would just speak her mind - whether it hurts others or not. But right now, i realised i think a lot more before i speak, especially if it's to people i love and care a lot about. I tend to want to find the right words to say so that i don't hurt them. But of course if i'm pissed and all, i don't think i hold back as much. Well, I've somewhat withdrawn myself a lil more than what i used to be.
Lydia and Karryn were saying that i have the black face. The kind that you won't dare to talk to me unless you know me. The unfriendly face, plainly speaking. Well, they're right. I admit that i do have that face. I don't know why. But i guess if i do have that face now, it's because i'm reflecting or thinking about what i need to do.
A friend and her bf aren't doing very well. And inevitably, i thought of ben and i. I have to admit that it's not easy. We do have our bad times and our good ones. We fight, i mean which couple doesn't right? There's always something to disagree about. Being in a relationship is easy - just find a guy/girl la. But maintaining the relationship isn't. I guess the question to ask yourself is what kind of relationship are you looking for? I know i want a relationship that will last till the end. I want someone whom i know God has sent to me, someone whom God will teach me to love, someone who loves God. Once you're in the relationship, you've gotta learn to give and take. It's not about you anymore. It's about the other party. It's about giving more than receiving. You know when people say that you should always find someone who loves you more than you love him/her? I personally think that it's nonsense. Would this kinda relationship last? It's just gonna be so tiring.
This post has a lot of thoughts. I guess it's the result of being 21 for 8 months? haha. As people grow older, you tend to reflect more and think beyond just yourself. I wonder if i'll look back at all my posts and start laughing at my stupidity 20 years down the road. Just like how i was laughing at myself at a particular email i sent when i was sec 4 - the "ah lian" eng and stupidity. HA! Growth. Change. Reflection.
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